Moses: Hebrew Prophet and Lawgiver (Chapter 4: Mended, Why Weren't You Moses?)

It's been awhile since i've posted, 2 months to be exact and a lot can happen in 2 months, and in my life, a lot has definitely happened.

Today has been a rough day for me personally and emotionally, but let's get into the chapter before I start venting about my personal issues.

Angie Smith is at it again and i've been brought to sobbing tears. God works in mysterious ways.

I guess I should back up and explain my life. On January 16th, I read this same chapter and nothing spoke to me, but I was going to try to make a blogpost out of it, but as I was about to begin a blogpost, an old friend/acquaintance from high school decided to call me when he got off work. So instead of finishing the blogpost, I talked to him for probably about an hour, as friends, and without knowing, something interesting would come out of that one phone call. We began talking and a spark came from it...we started to be interested in each other. I kept my barrier up for the most part, but then he broke through and I was falling hard for this guy. He was so sweet and seemed to be so genuine and caring, but today, that changed to someone who hurt me.

We talked late at night for basically 3 weeks straight for hours upon hours and it was just great, but then it came to a point where he wasn't responding to anything, calls or texts so I became concerned. He finally called me one night and we talked for a few hours but that was the last I heard from him, until today...a week after talking to him last. I had suspected something had happened due to being deleted as a facebook friend (that's a big deal these days) and today, a mere month later since we started talking, he texted me finally telling me that he had met someone else. I felt hurt, upset, and angry. I am now positive (not that I wasn't before but this just confirms), that I need to focus on me and my relationship with God as I have said in previous posts.

But okay, to the chapter...
...Angie writes that she was on a roadtrip with her husband and kids and was reading a book about the life of Saint Francis Assisi and she shared one quote that jumped at me:

"Churches should be places where people come to hear the story of God and to tell their own. That's how we find out how the two relate. Tell your story with all of its shadows and fog, so people understand their own. They want a leader who's authentic, someone trying to figure out how to follow the Lord Jesus in the joy and wreckage of life. They need you, not Moses..." 

This quote is powerful in that even though Moses is a significant person from the bible that a lot of people look up to as a great role model in the bible, God doesn't want you to compare yourself to someone who is better or who you think is better than you, He just wants you to be you.

Angie then goes on to commentate about this quote and says this sentence that struck me hard:

"How much time do I spend comparing, contrasting, evaluating, doubting, and allowing myself to feel like a disappointment when the Lord tells me over and over that He loves me?"

Lately, I have found myself comparing myself to my friends. Especially the married ones, I know that God has someone out there for me, but it seems that absolutely everyone around me is getting married and I want that, but I know that's my desire and not God's desire for me, but i'm trying to be patient, but as we all know, being a human can cause you not to be patient especially when you want something so bad. I also think that seeing as I am not too self-confident, is one of the main reasons as to why I compare myself to others, but isn't it comforting to know that God wants us just the way we are? We can be so hard on ourselves, but God loves us no matter how we are and He accepts us no matter what.

"Face what is before you with confidence and with a heart aligned with the One who knew your name before time began. He sings songs over you and quiets you with His love." - Zephaniah 3:17 

That verse is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I keep telling myself that I want someone to love me for real, but the realization is that I do have someone who loves me for real and that's God, my heavenly Father.

I need to keep telling myself that I need to repair and gain my relationship with God in order for my life to happen the way God intends it to be, not what I intend it to be.

It seems that the devil keeps winning in my life, I need to fight it in order to get closer to my God.

I need to read these chapters more often, but it definitely seems that I am reading the chapters on God's time, when I need to read them the most.

Love (n.) - an intense feeling of deep affection. (Mended - Chapter 3 - Crucified by Love)

Chapter 3 - Crucified by Love...

Ironically, tonight, I was listening to music and David Phelps came on, I giggled to myself because it was funny. The first song that came on was his remake of I Wanna Know What Love Is and a few songs later it was That's What Love Is. It's like God was saying, "you wanna know what love is, you want me to show you? Well here is this song for you to give you a taste and now, this book chapter."

I love when things like that happen, some people would call it coincidence, but in my opinion, it's God's way of speaking to His children, even in minuscule ways like that.

Everyone should listen to the two songs by David Phelps (I linked them so you can just click the song titles), even though I Wanna Know What Love Is, is a remake from the original in the 80s, the way it is orchestrated is beautiful, and That's What Love is, is just a beautiful song to make you think about the way you love someone.

As I started reading Mended tonight, I wasn't surprised that the title was Crucified by Love because of the earlier happenings with the songs.

Angie wrote that she was reading from the children's bible with her daughters about the crucifixion and she said it was breathtaking of how they describe it:

They nailed Jesus to the cross.  

Father, forgive them," Jesus gasped. "They don't understand what they are doing." 

"You say you have come to rescue us!" people shouted. "But you can't even rescue yourself?" 

But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued himself. A legion of angels would have flown to his side --- if he'd called. 

"If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!" they said. 

And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed the little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5000 people. 

But Jesus stayed. 

You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. 

It was love. 

Isn't that eye opening? I knew this truth, but the way this Children's Bible worded it, helped Angie understand and even me. The reality of this whole situation was that he could have stopped everything, but because of us and our sins that we commit daily, he stayed and paid the price for us. That is love. Major love. 

"Why do you choose to be crucified with Christ? You have the choice to abandon it all. Just walk away and say that this road is too hard. You need a break. You aren't strong enough to withstand the pain of the nails." 

The sad reality, I did walk away, I did think the road was too hard, and now the road is even harder without the guidance of my Savior. I saw friends even roommates at Liberty, wake up daily and do a daily devotional, and I wanted to do that, but I never made the time or effort...if I did, it was minimal and never turned into a daily routine as it should have been. But always in the back of mind, I knew I needed Him, but I chose to ignore Him.

"Suddenly it was very clear to me that it has never been the nails that held me here. It has been love.  It has been a deep, desperate, longing love for the One Who was mocked on my behalf. The One Who I rejected for sin's fleeting pleasures." 

I rejected Him for at least a year, especially all of 2012, until now, the end of 2012. I've been longing for love on earth, but I need to have the relationship with my God before anything like that, as Angie says, I rejected Him to sin, and do what I wanted to do with my life, not what HE wanted for my life.

So the choice is, climb down from the cross or be crucified with Him. What is your choice? My choice is definitely to be crucified with Him, it's a hard road to follow, but He wants me to be with Him and follow the road He will guide me down. I have decided to climb down before, and it hurt me more than helped, so I have learned that painful lesson.

It's like He is saying, according to Angie...

"Sweet child. The nails are not enough to hold you here. You can only live the life I am calling you to through the love I have given you. The love that now has taken up residence in your very being and makes the wounds bearable..." 

Without Him, the wounds wouldn't be bearable, hence as to why I am running back to Him for comfort and strength. I used to run to my earthly relationship for those things, but I knew something was missing. So my friends, family, etc, I am working on renewing my relationship with my Lord and Savior.

This book, 3 chapters down, has shown me so much. I can't wait to read more.

I wanted to share a old poem that I wrote in high school, that this chapter reminded me of...

I could just picture the crowd, 

Wondering why they chose Him to be crucified upon that cross.

He had healed the sick, and rose the dead, and always had a positive side to everything.

I could just picture the crowd, when they saw Him getting beaten and stabbed and whipped.

Oh what a sight.

I could just picture the crowd, as they saw Him suffering as the Romans made Him carry that cross,

I could just picture the crowd, as they were nailing him to that wooden cross 

People screaming "No!" and "Why?" 

But others yelling "Crucify Him!" 

Can you imagine someone loving us so much that He gave His one and only Son?

I just cannot picture that day, 

When I see Him face to face, 

Oh what a day that will be! 

Until next time...

Emmaus (Latin) - warm spring and biblical place 7 miles from Jerusalem. (Mended - Your Road to Emmaus)

So i'm at it again, reading Mended. Once again, i'm brought to tears, which makes me even more sure that I was definitely supposed to find this book last week and the times that I'm reading the chapters are on God's time.

Chapter 2 of this book is entitled Your Road to Emmaus. Last week after writing the blogpost below, I read this chapter, but I wasn't focused and I didn't really get anything out of it, so tonight, after talking to my mom about a situation with my town home, I figured I would read this chapter again.

For about the past year or so, I have adapted the attitude of not caring for anything. School, relationships, my room, my town home, anything. I felt like I was numb to anything and I knew I cared, but I never took the proactive step to do anything. This adapted attitude caused me to fail classes, have numerous fights with mostly my mother, neglect financial problems, get into situations that weren't needed, etc. It's been bad and I am realizing that, but I am stuck in this rut and I don't know how to get out.

Clearly, the answer of getting out of this rut is trusting God, but as easy as that sounds to a lot of people, it's hard for me.

In the beginning of the chapter, Angie writes that she always loved the idea of God but He didn't seem practical because she always put her full attention on to things that she could see and touch and she tried reading the bible but it seemed huge and foreign to me. Angie seems like me, or at least seemed like me and my current situation. Being at Liberty and partaking in prayer groups and convocation and campus church, I loved it, but I could see the love of Christ on so many of the students and staff, and I knew that I was missing that happiness, of trust, of fully relying on God for everything in life. I never did that, nor still don't...these students could read the bible and it would speak to them, and I would read the bible and just be confused...especially in the Old Testament.

But anyway...back to the chapter....

Angie even did the "bible pointing" to see if God would speak to her by just closing the bible and then opening and pointing, and I confess, I have done this numerous times, even at a bible study and sometimes it does work, but then sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.

I have always had a problem with letting God lead me in the right path, I have even felt like I have been ignoring Him. I have been making earthly decisions for myself, and not trusting His guidance along the way.

"I realized that God had created me to be in communication with Him. He wanted me to invite Him into corners of my life that seemed too small for Him to fit. I began to listen, and I invited Him to speak." 

I am slowly learning to just go with my gut and listen to God, but it's not easy. As i'm writing this, i'm feeling a literal heartache because I know this is what He wants, He is pulling at my heartstrings right now as I am running back to Him, literally crying.

She references the story in the Bible entitled Road to Emmaus, about two civilians walking towards Jerusalem with their faces down and Jesus, comes up to them after He has risen from the tomb, but these civilians did not realize it was Him, until He was invited into His house for supper and He broke the bread and then they realized it was Jesus, but before they could say anything, He disappeared.

"...the name Emmaus means 'warm springs,' and that these springs were frequently used for healing purposes. So I began to picture two people walking toward "healing" instead of some random biblical location." 

After realizing that it was Jesus, the civilians ran to the town exclaiming "We have seen Him! He is risen!" He was their rescuer, the one that died for their sins, for your sins, for our sins, for MY sins.

Angie asks "Where are you on the road to Emmaus?" The road to healing in other words. In my opinion, I have a long road ahead of me to get to the way my God wants me to be, but I am on the road hypothetically driving 5 mph.

She puts a list of helpful hints:

1. Walk slowly and deliberately with thoughts of Him on your mind. He will catch up. 
2. Listen when He speaks. You will want to be with Him longer. (He's only doing what's best for you, right? 
3. Invite Him to stay. He will accept. 
4. Acknowledge who He is when He reveals Himself to you. He is Jesus Christ, the son of God. He was crucified, and paid the full penalty for sin. He died on the cross and was resurrected on the third day. He is now in heaven. where all those who trust in Him will spend eternity with Him. If you've not truly acknowledged Him before, do so now. Confess your need for Him,  your complete dependence upon His sacrifice to pay the penalty for your sins. Acknowledge your trust in Him to save and keep you. 
5. Allow yourself to be consumed with love for Him. 

I need to remember these hints that she listed, especially the last one. As said in the previous post, I am always on a search for earthly love, but the only love I need to focus on right now is God's unconditional love for me. 

I need to read the bible more and Angie writes, "I had to get past my speed reader tendencies and see Scripture for what it was...God's letter of love to us, His workmanship." I need to read His love letters to me and listen to Him through everyday life. 

I feel like this post has become mostly quotes from the book, but alas, I have a long quote once more...

"Have you ever had an experience when you felt certain the Lord was speaking to you? Many people say they have not, so don't feel like you're in the minority if you haven't had such a moment. What I think is so interesting about this particular Bible story is that Christ's disciples didn't even recognize His voice until later, when He allowed them to do so. It was only then, in looking back, they they recognized what had happened. In my own life, I can think of times I felt a nudge to do something (or not!) only to later reflect on that time and realize that I should have listen to what was (I believe) the Lord speaking to me. Pray that you will become more sensitive to His voice and your everyday walk, and they you will recognize when He is asking you to do something." 

I have felt like I have had these random nudges that I normally would not think about, so like Angie, I do believe that that was God speaking to me, but stupid me, ignored Him, in numerous situations of my life and now I'm here, trying to pick up the pieces of the broken pitcher to put back together.

This book is helping me so much, and in a way, I hope it's ministering to anyone who reads this blog.

I'll be reading more, and I'll write a blog later :) Thanks for reading!

Mended (n.) - to repair something that is broken or damaged. (The Past and the Pitcher)

So the next couple of blogs are going to be my journey through a book that I randomly found when going into Lifeway yesterday, it seems that I found it accidentally on purpose.

I decided that I was going to look around Lifeway after getting a CD for my dad for Christmas, just to see if any type of book would pop out at me. I looked in the fiction because I have really wanted to read Karen Kingsbury's books seeing as she seems like such a great author to read, but I kept picking it up and reading the backs and/or looking at the price and nothing jumped at me. I then went to the bargain books to see if anything jumped out, still nothing until of course I find a book of Max Lucado entitled God's Story, Your Story: When His Becomes Yours, so I grabbed that, but I felt a tug to go towards the section of books entitled Women. 

I stood there for probably about 5 minutes looking and reading at backs of books and then I saw a book entitled, Mended, (hence the title of the entry). I read the back of it and it was perfect, it was like God was calling me back to Him, as I have lost faith and haven't stepped foot in a church for a service in over 6 months, just through the few paragraphs on the back of this book by Angie Smith. I had never even heard of Angie Smith, but read that she was the wife of one of the members of Selah, so I figured it would be a great book. 

I didn't read any of it last night, but tonight, I came to my room with just the lighting of my christmas lights above my bed and started reading the first chapter entitled The Past and the Pitcher. I knew it was the perfect book as I started reading it...but when it came to one paragraph when Smith was opening up about her past as she was becoming a Christian and going to class to learn about God, she says this, 

"I decided I needed to get rid of my boyfriend, who I had dated for almost six years. He was abusive in every sense of the word, and there are a lot of deep wounds I still carry with me from that time period. It was a completely unhealthy relationship and one of those times I look back on and wish I could change. It hurts because even though I didn't have a relationship with God at the time, I feel like I was unfaithful to him." 

After reading that, to anyone that knows me, I cry to express emotion about anything, but I broke down after reading those few sentences because that's me. Minus 2 years and my boyfriend became a fiance. Also, I was more into being committed to God before this guy, but I slowly fell out of the commitment, but still believed, but was not proactively engaged in anything to make my relationship with God stronger, instead, my relationship dwindled as I regretfully admit especially over the past year, I have gone to 2 church services throughout all of 2012, 6 months separating them...one in January and one in June. I have been unfaithful to God, the one and only being that I need to be committed to until I find someone through Him and Him alone instead of searching for earthly love, I need to focus on God's unconditional love for me.

Smith explained something that God made her do to make her realize who she is and His deep love for her. She said that there was a book that she had read about dealing with losing a child and to get rid of some of the pain, they suggested to their readers to find a piece of pottery and slam it down somewhere to make you feel better. Smith explained that she thought this was ridiculous on all levels and there was no way that this would help her deal with the grief she was experiencing, but God had other plans.

God basically told her to do it, so at 10:00pm one night, she does this on her front porch with a pitcher...and it made her feel better, but then...God told her to put it back together. SIDENOTE: If God told me this, I would have thought He was crazy after breaking something and the pieces scattering everywhere. Angie did think God was crazy, and she just wanted to go to sleep, but instead, she pulled out the hot glue gun and started this project. Here is a video of her describing the pitcher in her own words...click here.

"And as I worked, He let me think about my past. Mistakes I have long regretted. I began to realize that this pitcher was my life, and every piece was part of a story that He had chosen to put together. I started crying, and remembering things I thought I had forgotten. It took a long time to finish, but it was time well spent. Every nook and cranny whispered to me, until at last it stood in all its imperfection." 

"Every nook and cranny whispered to me, until at last it stood in all it's imperfection." 

That last sentence got to me. We are all imperfect...but we all strive to be perfect and we shouldn't. God loves us for us...no matter what. If you accept Him into your heart, He loves us, all of us as His children.

I read on...

"The image of my life as a broken pitcher was beautiful to me, but at the same time, it was hard to look at all of the cracks. I ran my fingers along them and told Him I wished it had been different. I wished I had always loved Him, always obeyed Him, always sought Him the way I should. I was mad at the imperfections, years wasted, gaping holes where it should be smooth." 

Isn't it a good image to just see a broken pitcher, put together? Imperfections are beauty in God's eyes and He lets these imperfections happen to bring His children running back to him....and He greets us with open arms.

God then spoke to Angie...

"My dearest Angie. How do you think the world has seen Me? If it wasn't for the cracks, I couldn't seep out the way I do. I chose this pitcher. I chose you, just as you are." 

He loves us, just the way we are. Isn't that humbling? We strive to be better people all the time, but He loves us no matter what.

Angie suggested to the readers that we find our own pottery and break it and put it back together, even though I think it might be beneficial for me to do this, I can just imagine the image.

This was just the first chapter and it made me realize so much, I just don't want to put the book down, so who knows, there might be another entry tonight.

Welcome (n.): an instance or manner of greeting someone.

Welcome. A word that is used by so many to greet newcomers.

I have created this blog due to not being able to sign in to my former blog that had the titles as you see above.

So whoever is reading this blog, thanks for reading. My purpose of having a blog is to possibly vent, or tell news to all of my friends and family or maybe just like a journal entry. I mean I am a journalism major so it seems fitting.

Enjoy what I write in the future blog posts!